8 Ways to tell if you’re a Silicon Valley Douchebag
Much like some of these picks 5 players for the greatest team ever assembled posts, this is one of those pick ’em type deals. However, instead of a salary cap, the more of these you pick up, the more of an oblivious moron you are. I think a few of these on their own aren’t horrible and in fact some of them are quite main stream by the area’s standards but place you are your questionable outward displays or nerdom or pompousness in say, downtown NYC, you’d get beat up or mercilessly taunted by the suits to the hot dog vendors. So if you are actively doing more than a few of these, congratulations asshole, you’re a walking stereotype that the rest of the country feels probably should be beat up.
1) You watch Silicon Valley religiously and talk about it all the time
It’s not to say it’s an unfunny show. It’s pretty good, but I don’t need to hear or see more of it because I deal with it every day. Do you know any cops who just go around talking about Law & Order all the time? No and if they do they’re pointing out it’s inaccuracies on occasion to fellow officers. That’s it. And if they do watch Law & Order, they do it in secret because they don’t want to look like a chump. Plus I don’t need to hear more tech conversations out of work. Grow up, your jobs and lives aren’t THAT exciting or glamorous.
2) You wear your (bike, scooter, Segway) helmet indoors
Unless you are a construction worker, a fireman, military or a welder, you should never, ever do this. Why does this persist? Because nobody makes fun of anything remotely nerdy here. In fact, it’s celebrated. This counts as two.
3) Referring to yourself as an “early adopter” or an “entrepreneur”
Screams cocky, self fulfilled asshole. Odds are if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t. Triple points if you have these shirts.
4) You’ve ever waited in line the day of for any piece of technology
Congratulations, this is the happiest moment of your life because everything else about it sucks. You can look down upon me with your new phone, gadget, device for 3 weeks till I get it for the same price. Grow up.
5) You eat ethnic food all the time
And by ethnic, I’m saying Indian, Thai, Japanese, French, anything with “fushion” associated with it, Hispanic countries not named Mexico and ESPECIALLY getting middle eastern food. Don’t look down at me for getting a burger or a sandwich or a taco. It’s lunch, not your yearbook quote.
6) You don’t know anyone on your local professional sports teams
I’m not saying you have to be gung ho about every team, but at least be able to name a player or two on each. I have a Pat Burrell poster in my office, full Phillies outfit on. Hell it even says “Pride of the Phillies” and had someone ask if he was a good player. Now granted it was a specific incident but ya think if someone was the “pride” anywhere, he’s probably decent, right?
7) Saying the you LOVE the rich historical culture of San Francisco but can’t name a single movie pre- 2000 filmed there
Again, very specific but it speaks to you’re a hipster or an oblivious asshole. If you can’t tell me other than the last Planet of the Apes movie any movie that was filmed in San Francisco, you’re an asshole. I mean Basic Instinct, The Presidio, Interview with the Vampire, EdTV?!
Chicken Dance for dayz, bro. I could go on with more movies here: Dirty Harry, 48 hours, 40 days and 40 nights, BULLITT, The Fan, The Game, The Graduate, The Bachelor, THE ROCK?! Which leads to me to next point:
8) You claim to have never seen or know about The Rock
Don’t be an asshole, watch the movie or just fucking admit it. It’s awesome. It’s Cage, it’s Connery, it’s Ed Harris at his finest Hardo.
And there you have it. I’d add in if you take a shuttle provided by your company to work, but that’d be
low hanging fruit too easy and I’m better than that.